The past few days, I’ve been thinking of my grandmother. A lot.
In between phone and Skype meetings or replying to e-mail and wrapping up reports for clients, my thoughts occasionally wandered and were of happy times with my grandmother.
I thought of how loving and kind she was. I thought of how patient she was. I thought of how she never talked ill of anyone. Really, I do know that when people die, we often put them on a pedestal, but my grandmother really was kind and patient and good.
I also thought of how sad and empty I sometimes feel now that she is no longer with us.
I thought of how much I miss her.
I thought of how soft her skin was and how beautiful she was. I could even smell the fragrance of her moisturizing cream.
I was trying to figure out why she has been on my mind so much. It wasn’t until I was having dinner at my parents’ and my mom said, “You’re thinking of her a lot because it’s her birthday on the 11th”.
Every year around Mother’s Day and the second week of August, I always think of my grandmother. My grandmother would have been 95 this year.
Most of the time, I go on with my day and life is so busy that I don’t have time to stop and think or even really relax. Life has been so busy lately that at times it feels as though I’m just going through the motions — trying to get through each day, all to do it all over again the next day. Work, kid, work, family, work, house, farm, garden, cook, clean and repeat.
Sometimes, when it’s quiet and everyone’s asleep, memories of my grandparents flood my thoughts. I feel an overwhelming sense of loss.
I know that my grandparents lived a long and full life and they are in better place now. They’re in a place free of illness and pain. I didn’t think this feeling of loss would be so profound. I didn’t think it would hit me so hard every May and every August.
The feeling of loss never really goes away. Time does help us heal and move forward and on with our lives. Still, there feels like part of my heart has been taken away.
Thinking of you and I miss you. I wish we could spend another birthday of yours together.