I lay in bed watching her drift into slumber. Her tiny hand clutching onto my fingers, she whispered, “Mama, stay with me”.
I lingered for a bit, not wanting to get out of bed. I was content to lay beside my little girl and just soak in the moment. You know that moment right before your child falls asleep? It’s that moment when you want to be the last person they see before they close their eyes and fall asleep? That moment.
I never imagined ever feeling so much. My heart feels like it is going to burst with love and happiness. Oh, I’m not going to lie. There are moments when I feel so many other things too! It’s not always rainbows and unicorns, my friends. Being a parent, I also sometimes often feel frustration, anger, sadness, and a gamut of other emotions.
Most of the time I feel happiness, adoration, love, and joy. I am also in constant awe and amazement of the little human being my husband and I created! I often stop and think, “Oh, my gosh! We MADE that! We actually made a human being! A living, breathing life form!” It totally floors me every time.
Sometimes I think, “Meh. Is it really that incredible?” Millions of people all over the world create lives, have babies, and raise children. Many of them reproduce multiple times. Not just that, but plants and animals reproduce, and some multiple times a year! Then I think of how creating a life is to me, magical and scientific all at once. In some ways, one can liken it to having all our stars lined up. The right conditions, timing, and so many other factors are involved in creating a baby. Even though many people and animals reproduce, reproduction (or procreation) is actually a complex series of events on a cellular level. It’s the biological process that creates a new organism by combining the genetic material of two organisms. That’s pretty amazing, don’t you think?!
Sure, for some people, they can just “do it”, and presto! They’re pregnant! I have friends who say, “Oh! My husband just has to look at me and I get pregnant!”
For others, it’s not that easy.
I wonder if this is why I want to soak in every single moment I have with Little One. The fact that we even got pregnant was a surprise. An incredible surprise!
We tried for fifteen months to get pregnant, and just as I was resigned to the fact that we may not ever have children, we were pregnant. Just like that.
I suppose this is why every little thing Little One has accomplished thus far has been a tiny victory. From her early days as a preemie in the NICU, being able to breathe on her own with out the aid of a C-PAP or learn how to suck and not have to be fed by NG-tube have been significant milestones. Everything from learning how to sit up, walk, feed herself, and now read, write, add and subtract have me in awe.
I do think there are some issues we need to work on and I have to admit I am concerned. Though she’s triumphed in areas we weren’t sure she would, she proved us wrong. Being born so early, there were many concerns. I remember being in the hospital on complete hospital bed rest during pregnancy and one of the doctors came in to speak with me. She told me of all the issues that may present themselves in preemies born so early. There were vision issues, respiratory issues, hearing issues, and many other developmental issues that could be a reality for us. For some reason, I was not even thinking about any of those things and in my heart, knew Little One would be perfectly fine. And, she was.
Until now. She does have a few minor issues concerning her health, but the thing that puzzles me most is her not being able to sit down and finish a task. We did a fun game of counting by twos, then fives, then tens. She can do them verbally, but getting her to write them was a different story. She knows how to write, but she just doesn’t want to finish her tasks. She did half of the exercise and then kept procrastinating. Then came the tears, followed by the tantrum.
Part of me wonders if Little One takes her time because she’s a perfectionist and likes things done a certain way. I’m telling you, it takes forever to finish a task (if she even finishes it). She gets stressed out when she can’t finish something in the time allotted. If she’s colouring and we have to go out, she gets stressed because she can’t finish colouring her drawing. It’s little things like that we’re working on.
I’ve been compiling lots of fun exercises, activities and games to help her learn at home (and to make her teacher’s life easier, hopefully!).
Somehow, all the craziness of the day just melts away at that one sweet moment. All the fun and exciting moments we shared, the new things she learned, and everything else in between all get committed to memory. That moment right before she falls into slumber, when I gaze at her sweet face, I think of how happy she makes us. Moments in time are fleeting, and I want to savour every moment I can of being a parent her parent.
What a beautiful feeling that must be, and how special it must be to see her accomplishments.
My 5 year old LOVES his bedtime routine and he insists that I tuck him into bed. He just loves to be tucked in. 🙂
I try and treasure the moments as well. They go by way to fast. Our oldest is 8 and it seems like yesterday she was just a baby. Before you know it she will not want to crawl in bed with us in the middle of the night because she had a bad dream or run to us to kiss a boo boo.
My kids are grown ups now and I wish to be there more for them. They will have to follow their own path now and I’m ready when they need me.
Definitely take time to cherish the little moments 🙂 I wish I had the chance but infertility beat us. Hopefully she will get more patient at finishing tasks as she gets older.
Once I had kids the phrases “good day” and “bad day” took on a whole new meaning ! Nobody could have prepared me for the roller coaster of emotions that were to come. Sometimes you want to scream “I QUIT!” and other days you feel like the luckiest person earth. When I check on them for the last time before going to bed …they look like sleeping angels. In that moment, all is right in the world. The memories of the most chaotic tantrum filled day just start to melt away.
Love how your posts remind us all that through the good and the bad we are not alone on this journey!
My children are 24, 22, 21,17,8.
That feeling never goes away, neither do the others.
There are no other people in the world I would do so much for, there are no others I would lose my life for…….. but in the same sense, sometimes I’m the one that wants to lay the beating on them!!
That whole “we created that” feeling, yeah, that will surface when stupid starts falling from her lips, usually around age 14/15…. but it has a different edge to it, not one of ‘awe’ more like ‘stupified” 🙂
This is a fabulous post my friend, thank you soo much for sharing.
Don’t give up on the struggle to conceive. I ‘use’ to get pregnant easily.. took us 18 months after our loss… the final month I ordered birth control, I was done trying…..
about 8 months later.. Miss K graced us with her presence <3
Beautiful post. I really appreciate it when you write heartfelt posts like hese. They are severely lacking in today’s blog world.
Beautiful. Thanks for sharing feelings I have also had the honour of feeling. I really do feel it is a privilege to raise kids. I am one thoroughly contented Mama.
Does she have these issues of procrastination/tears/tantrum when she cooks and bakes? Or is it just writing things down? It could be related to her prematurity, or it could just be her personality. If it doesn’t happen when she cooks and bakes, it makes me wonder if it’s about things she hasn’t mastered yet (writing) or things she’s not that interested in (counting by 5s might not be as fun for her as it is for you. 😉 ) I do hear you on the joy of it, and the other stuff too. At dinner tonight we were talking about one time I got SO MAD at Maya regarding homework, and the task (math, NEVER her favorite) was boring to her and she fought me every step of the way. She could have been done in 15 or 20 minutes if she would just do it, but she was fighting me and we were on our second hour…I just felt all of this rage build up, and I snapped and threw her math book against the wall. It was very satisfying to see the back of the book (a paperback workbook that she wrote in, not something any other student would have to deal with) break. It was NOT satisfying to see the look on her face, and that in that moment, she was scared of me. So yeah, there’s a lot of magic and wonder and love, but there are other emotions too.
Now that you mention it, J, I don’t think she is impatient when it comes to cooking and baking! Good point! In fact, she’s always in a rush when it comes to cooking and baking!
Oh, believe me, I wanted to throw or crumple up the sheet of paper with the math exercises I made for her!
I get those moments when I’m going to bed and I do the “tuck in round” making sure each kid is comfy/sleeping. I’ll take a minute and just watch them sleep, thinking to myself that these moments won’t last forever. There’s nothing wrong with cherishing motherhood. xo
Amotherhoodblog: Thank you for this 🙂 I feel all at once, nostalgic, wistful, and even a bit sad because I know that these moments won’t last forever. 🙂