Something happened recently that caused me to panic. Perhaps panic is not the best choice of words. It was more like “wake up”. That’s it. Something happened that caused me to wake up.
I was under the weather, and Little One was keeping herself busy after school. My five year old was doing her homework on her own because I was “preoccupied” ahem…clinging to the porcelaine throne for dear life. When I returned from the loo, Little One was acting a little aloof. It took me all of two seconds to realize that she had bright RED lipstick on! I was shocked, but also a bit impressed at how well she had applied the lipstick! Masterfully done for a five year old!
NO MAKE-UP UNTIL YOU’RE EIGHTEEN!!!
This said, I was alarmed. She is too young to wear lipstick (obviously…she’s only five!). She acted as though all was normal and when asked where she found the lipstick, she sort of ignored me. I couldn’t get mad because she was so proud of herself (okay, she was totally cute). I told her that little girls are not to wear make-up. She retorted, “Why do mommies wear make-up then?”
TOUCHÉ.
When I was pregnant with Little One, I worried if my unborn child was okay. I obsessed with whether everything on the inside was fine and if she was developing the way she was supposed to. Then she was born 12 weeks early. I worried if she was going to survive. I wondered if we were ever going to leave the NICU. Then when we brought her home, I wondered if I was doing an okay job as a parent.
Now she’s five! She’s five and she’s growing up too quickly.
I actually don’t want her to wear make-up until she’s eighteen! I’m being a little dramatic. Maybe sixteen?
I let her use chap stick or sheer lip gloss, and that’s it. Absolutely no make-up until she’s is in high school. That’s the rule. I know right now, she doesn’t even want to wear make-up every day, let alone in public or at school. She just likes wearing Mama’s make-up at home. When we’re with family or at home, I let her play dress up. I don’t think it’s harmful playing spa day or hairdresser…or is it? Do these activities teach young girls that they must grow up to be beautiful and know how to apply make-up properly and do their hair set a negative example? Is it potentially harmful? I’m on the fence.
I want Little One to place more value on being a good role model to others, enjoying the activities she loves best, and showing kindness to others. I want her to value hard work and see its rewards. I’ve been trying to select my words carefully lately and not focus on things like “Oh, you’re so cute!” and more on “Wow! You did a great job on your reading homework!” or “You are such a great helper!”. I often tell her after school that I am proud of her for being a good friend to her classmates. It really is hard to change the way we speak sometimes, because I often just want to say, “You are just SO adorable!!”
As a parent, I’m Little One’s first role model. I want to tell Little One that she is beautiful just the way she is. I want to let her know that she doesn’t need make-up to be beautiful and that her confidence, kindness, generosity, empathy, and everything about her (even the quirky and not so fun parts) make her unique and lovable.
The topic of appearance and how our girls (that collective “our” girls as in girls in general) perceive themselves is something I think about often. Little One is only five years old, yet I wonder how all the things she is exposed to, the peer pressure, the socialization, the media and everything else will play a role in the value she has on herself. I want to empower her, prepare her, and give her the tools she needs to become a strong person person — and one with a good belief system, who is kind, and is a person of “good character”.
I sometimes think of what things will be like in ten years and the issues teenage girls face. This makes me feel knots in my stomach. I want to prepare her and not keep her in a bubble. I need her to know that girls are not objects. How do I ensure she grows up knowing she is aware of this and that girls are not to be sexual objects? Little girls see this every day –even if it isn’t always apparent. I see it in the clothing available to kids, in certain TV shows…it’s everywhere.
Seeing her wearing Mommy’s make-up stirred all these emotions in me.
“Why do mommies wear make-up then?”
To be honest, though I want to tell her that all people are born beautiful and that beauty is really what’s in your heart and how you treat people and how you live your life, I feel like I need a little splash of lip gloss and some eye make-up to make myself feel pretty and more confident.
This is when I cry because I want to tell my daughter one thing, yet don’t really follow my own words. I’m the first to admit that I love getting my manicure and pedicure done. I love the way I feel when I step out of a hair salon after getting my hair cut and highlighted. I LOVE lip gloss! How do I act as a role model to my child, telling her that beauty is not about make-up and what’s on the outside when I feel I need to wear make-up?
Julie Cole recently wrote a post on the PTPA blog about Kids Ear Piercing. The words “No improvements required” just jumped out and left an impact. It’s true. This is the message I want to give Little One. No improvements required. I know getting ears pierced and wearing make-up are not exactly the same thing, but they are sort of connected. They’re both related in that they are thought to enhance one’s beauty.
It’s such a tough spot to be in about whether to stick to your “mom” instincts or relent to social pressures. I remember having this battle with my parents, who were really strict, about many things, and us never coming to a compromise, which led to a long period of rebellion. I think that you’re the best person to make the judgment call, though, both knowing your daughter best, and knowing your community.
As a mother of three daughters and eight granddaughters, I feel that you are a really good Mother. You are living what you believe and as someone famous once said : ‘Don’t speak to me: your actions are talking so loudly, I cannot hear you!”
When I read that Quote, it really brought home to me the impression people make on us by our actions and treatment of others. Even very small children are imprinted by the action of others. My Mother used to bring in this old man in to our dining room for dinner when he would occasionally call. He was rather a tramp and a bit of a joke to some.
She treated him with such civility and grace that I always remembered it. Only my sister, who was a Sister of Charity sat at our dining room table, or my friend at my birthday supper. The rest of the time, we all ate at our kitchen table.
My mother never gossiped. I didn’t realize this until much later in my life what a rare creature she was. She was very quiet and kind. She spoke respectfully of others and we were not allowed to call our elders by their first names. The importance of her quiet example remains with me to this day. She was not perfect and she led a hard life from her birth but she was a shining example of how to be a good person.
Talk to your daughter and always let her know that she can come to you and you will be a good listener and advice giver, when asked.
Ah, we all endure this with out girlie girls. I went through this with all 4 of them. But, I don’t wear much make up on a day to day basis, usually just eyeliner and mascara. When we went through this I explained that ‘women’ wear make up as it helps define their features.
I try really hard to avoid phrases and statements like “it makes them look pretty/feel pretty” etc. I don’t want my girls relying on ‘make up’ to feel beautiful, that comes from within.
They grow fast, way to fast. . school helps a lot in that department.
They then hit those amazing teen years & well, … we’ll just wait for those posts <3 <3
Thanks for your comment, Darlene! Ahhhh…I hear the teen years are incredibly fun for moms! lol 😉 I hope she’s nothing like I was at that age.
lol I said the same thing. Out of 3 that have no gone through them, I have learned a few things #1. Don’t ever say your child wouldn’t do something, it might be out of character, but not impossible.
#2. Don’t stop being their ‘mother’. The moment you try to be their friend it goes bad. They have lots of friends. They only have 1 Mom.
#3. Know your ‘limit’. If you expect them to, so should you ..
I learned more but. those were missing keys in the teenage hall of life lol
I have 2 boys so I don’t have to worry about make up in my house unless they want to wear some! 🙂 I just love the purple lip your little one has on in the photo above. She’s adorable!
LouCheryl, ahhhhh! Interesting what kids get into! I was so stunned when I saw her! She was just having fun. Didn’t think anything of it!
I am not sure what to think about this topic. I didn’t think that I was insecure in the way I look but now after reading your blog, I think I am. I know I don’t like my skin around my eyes, (I look tired all the time) so I think I wear makeup to feel better about my appearance and to reflect more the way I feel rather than how I look. Does that make any sense? I do agree I don’t want my daughter to wear any till she is in high school. She is beautiful the way she is. I do wish my mom would have told me that instead of telling me to put it on every time we were heading out the door. I guess my mom’s make up attitude is a reflection of the time she was growing up in the fifties were you didn’t leave home without your hair and make up done. Hopefully we are a little more enlightened these days.
So true, Stasia. I remember my grandmother never being without her hair done perfectly and her ruby red lipstick on. She was so glamorous! I’m wondering if our girls will grow up in a time where natural is beautiful 🙂
Admittedly, I do like wearing make up. There are days I go without, but mostly I make sure I have lip gloss and eye make up. Conflicting feelings here!
My 2 cents: What does the desire to wear make-up stem from, for you and for her? For her, I would guess curiosity, and that’s okay. For you? Is it to fit in and be like everyone else? Is it because you don’t feel secure with your own true individual beauty (and let me tell you, you are!)? Or is it simply a form of self expression? I’d dig deep and figure it out. For me, I was raised by a mom who loves make-up and wouldn’t leave the house without her “face”. I played with it as a kid, and was encouraged to wear it during school concerts and events. I wore make-up as a very insecure teen who always wanted to be someone else. After learning about the toxins, and becoming more secure in my own imperfect body, I don’t wear make-up, ever. I have an old tinted Burt’s Bees lip gloss (which is too dark) and occasionally find that my daughters are wearing it. It’s curiosity, like dress-up. I don’t think wearing make-up causes problems, I see it as either a symptom of a bigger issue, or a tool for self expression.
Ohhhh! ALL good questions, Amber! For her, I’m pretty sure it’s curiosity right now. For me? I look like a train wreck without lip gloss or eye liner. Seriously, I look really sickly.
You’re beautiful, imperfections and all. You’re human, right? 🙂 <3
🙂 Thanks!
I’m a strange one. I own virtually no makeup, and the stuff I have I don’t know how to use. I only wear it when I feel socially obligated to – like at weddings, etc. I have no piercings. I don’t have high heeled shoes or fancy clothes. Long ago I decided… if God made me perfect to Him… what right do I have to cover that up to make myself appear perfect to anyone else? [Please note that in no way do I intend this to be a personal objection to anyone else. This is my view of myself.]
I often wonder if I was a mom of a little girl and she wanted to be into makeup and clothes etc … what would I do? what would I say? I have no idea. None at all.
As a mom of boys…I pray that I can teach them that beauty is not the face value. That it’s a heart value. I pray that they will want to find someone who is strong, smart, funny, supportive, loving, kind, encouraging, radiant, and faithful.
I catch myself doing self fat talk, often unknowingly – and cringe. This is my area of struggle. I don’t want my kids to look at others and fat talk. I don’t want my kids to look at themselves and wish they were different.
They are perfect. Just the way they are. <3
BTW – this photo is absolutely fabulous. Totally eye-catching and dramatic. 🙂
Oh, Lisa Marie! I TOTALLY hear you on this! Actually, a friend of mine who has two boys just recently told me, “Man, am I happy I’m the mom of boys. I wouldn’t want to have to deal with all the other stuff you have to deal with with girls”. I was kind of thrown off by the statement, but to each their own.
I also get the get the no make-up thing because at times I don’t want to wear make-up (or if I’m working from home and not going out on a particular day, why bother?). Each person is different and I too have no personal objection to whatever anyone chooses for themselves. As for my daughter…that’s a different story! 😉
Such a complicated subject, isn’t it? I feel like young girls shouldn’t wear makeup, because it sexualizes them, and I don’t want creeps on the street thinking 5 or 10 year olds are sexual. Of course, the creeps will think what they will think, no matter what. I didn’t let Maya wear anything but chap stick until maybe 7th grade, lip gloss and a little blush until 9th grade. High school is OK. Regarding not letting her do it, but doing it myself? That’s a whole different issue. You’re talking about wanting her to feel like she’s good enough as she is, while admitting that you feel prettier with some help. I agree, we want our kids to feel like they’re good enough as they are, and so we must model that. At the same time, there are things that adults do that kids do not. Sex, makeup, alcohol, driving, going out with friends, etc. These are all fine and good when you’re mature enough to understand and handle the consequences. They can come at different phases. But until you’re old enough, you’re just not old enough. For me, for us, I just laid down the law and didn’t spend too much time explaining. No make up until you’re 14, no drinking until you’rre of age, etc. These are the rules. These are grown up things. Dress up? That’s different. I think she even wore lip gloss and a little sparkly eye shadow to a school dance in 6th grade. But every day? No.
J, I’m with you 100% on everything you just said! I know LO doesn’t want to wear make-up every day or to school or in public…yet. She also knows she can’t wear it outside the house and she’s only allowed in high school. I keep thinking, “why even wear it at all?” Anyway, the thought of young girls wearing make up makes me uneasy because I do think it sexualizes them . You never know what other people are thinking and there are some pretty creepy people out there. GAH!!!!