Last week, I found myself sobbing at the drop of a hat. Though my grandmother passed away on May 15, 2012, time hasn’t healed my broken heart. I still cry uncontrollably and miss her so much. I’ve been told that the sadness gets easier in time, but it hasn’t…yet. I know we will never stop missing her, and we need to remember all the great memories we have of her. She lived a happy and full life and with those she loved the most.
Still, death and dying have never been easy for me.
I remember when Hubby and I were in our first year of marriage. I was a city girl living on a farm, married to a beef farmer. I had all these romantic notions of what rural life would be like. I had visions of picking vegetables from the garden, preparing 100% all home-cooked meals, feeding the animals, and enjoying every day of pastoral life.
HA! I neglected to think about how painstaking and challenging the work would be, how my husband would spend his mornings, days and evenings in the fields or in the barn, and how there would be so many obstacles like machinery breakdowns and repairs, runaway cattle, miles and miles of fences that needed to be repaired each time the cattle busted through…and, of course, the occasional loss of an animal.
That’s what got me. The death and dying part.
The first year of marriage saw me helping Hubby deliver a calf. Usually the cows birth their calves on their own, but this particular heifer required assistance. Despite our best efforts, we lost both the heifer and her calf during the birthing process. It was one of the most awful days for me. I had never experienced anything like it. My husband realized that was the first time I had been through a situation like that. He knew I was attached to the animals and took this really hard. He was sad as well, but reminded me that when you live on a farm, you experience the beauties of life every day. The sadness of death is part of life and we must appreciate the whole.
Our five year old daughter, living on the farm, has adopted the same sentiments as my husband’s.
We walked into the barn yesterday morning and spotted one of our ducks laying on a bale of hay. Motionless. Without life. Dead.
I gasped and immediately wanted to cry. My five year old looked at me and said, “Mama, that’s just part of life. These things happen.”
What? She’s FIVE!!!
Today, she drew me this picture. It’s the “Circle of Life” from her perspective.
Little One says, “The circle of life is baby, toddler, kid, teenager, adult, old, dead”. Those are her words exactly.
Maybe there is something to be said about raising kids on the farm. I never really explained death and dying to her. She seems to have a healthy understanding of it though. Little One demonstrates an appreciation for the animals and the plants on our farm. She has already declared herself a “steward of the land“. She has a close connection to the land and everything living on it. She knows that what lives must eventually pass and right now, she seems okay with that. I can learn a lot from my five year old.
This post was really moving for me and I thank you for sharing. I’m a bit like you and I admire your daughter’s strength and wisdom.
It’s funny how our kids are more accepting of death than we are. Maybe it’s because we’re getting older and it’s something more present in our minds? My Gramma passed away in 2009 on Fathers Day and I still breakdown as well, in fact reading about your grandmother made tears come to my eyes thinking of mine. I can’t look at pictures without crying! She was like my best friend, I could tell her ANYTHING without judgment and honestly don’t have anyone like her in my life anymore which could also be why it’s still hard? We need to start thinking like your daughter!
Sorry to hear about your grandma, Jason. Hugs! Three out of four of my grandparents have passed away. I still miss them so much.
I got a tiny bit teary eyed just reading this, I am such a sop. I suspect I’d never be cut out for farm life, ha. But I do love reading about your experiences with adapting to it. I love your daughters picture, and love the outlook she’s soaked in via rural life.
Deanna, I have to admit I get weepy…often. I keep telling hubby that I’m not sure I’m cut out for farm life sometimes! LOL!
Our children are soo soo smart. She truly is a gem. My condolences on the loss of your sweet animals and your ever loved Grandmother.
My grandson passed away Nov 22 2012. He was 10 months old. We had a hard time with our 7 year, who was 6 1/2 at the time.
Death has been the hardest thing about parenting for me. I’m a Mom to 5 earth angels aged 23, 21, 20, 16, 7 … Death, you can not fix. You can’t make a loss better, you can’t hug or kiss the pain away. No one. not one person, totally gets what you’re experiencing when a loss occurs, yes some “understand” but circumstances are different for everyone, and everyone feels their loss is the worst.
Your daughter is so very smart, I love the outlook, the view, the mindset she has already, she has great things to offer this world!
Darlene, your comment made me cry! Thank you for all your thoughtful comments on the blog. I am so glad we crossed paths on Twitter. Thinking of your little angels too.
Living on a farm is such a natural eye opener for kids and they naturally grow up understanding life and death much better than many of us city folk do! My uncle owned a pig farm and I learned so much when I was younger just from watching what he did or hearing him talk about it. Your daughter is so smart and so wise for her age. Death is never easy, but understanding it can help the sorrow.
Brandi, you’re so right about the “Death is never easy, but understanding it can help the sorrow” part. Never thought of it that way. 🙂
I never had a pet growing up (other than a goldfish) and death and dying are very foreign experiences to me too. I would feel the same as you in terms of getting attached to the animals and feeling devastated when they die.
After reading this post I agree that farm life would provide such an amazing perspective on the whole life-death topic and I love your LO`s perspective. She can teach us all!
Kelly, kids are incredible, aren’t they? Sometimes I think LO teaches me more than I teach her! lol
Wow, her words exactly, eh! She is so mature for one so young!
Canine: Yeah. Pretty crazy, huh?
Your daughter is an old soul, wise beyond her years!! This is a beautiful post! I was envision living on a farm with your preconceived ideas. I know working on a rural mail route is no where near the same as living on a farm, but it has opened my eyes. When I asked a coworker how they were going to fit all their cows (which I watched from birth (I actually saw one!) to full cow hood!) for the winter and was shocked to find out 90% went to slaughter. I mean I know cows = steak but it never occurred to me.
Oh, Jenn! So true. Ours go down south to the auctions. We don’t slaughter on the farm. We do have a few sent to the abattoir on the island for our customers on the island and in Ontario. We also have some customers in Quebec.
I feel like I am keeping my little guy in a bubble about death – and being in an urban area makes it even easier. I love your post and it got me thinking.
Stephanie, I had wanted to keep her in a bubble and shield her from all the hurt in the world until she was old enough to “handle” it. I guess living on a farm, she’s exposed every day…
Your daughter is one smart cookie. We only have pets, no farm animals, but our neighbors have almost every kind of animal you can imagine on their farm. When their first daughter was young she told us “Daddy said we can’t name the animals because I’ll get attached.” And it’s really true and a great lesson for a farm kid. What compassion your daughter shows you. Beautiful post.
Sarah: So true! When Hubby and I first got married, I was so excited about calving season! I wanted to name every single little adorable calf we had! There was one in particular that I was fond of, but Hubby said, “You can’t name the animals because you’ll get attached”. He was so right. The little bull calf was number 5S. I remember distinctly. I was so sad the day he had to go on the truck and get shipped down south to the auction.
We city girls are so removed from death, so it’s easy to be overwhelmed by sadness when we are confronted with it. I had a neighbor whose cat caught a little bird, but didn’t kill it. There’s a wildlife hospital nearby that will try to help such animals, so I took it there. They couldn’t save the bird…the cat had punctured its scull with her teeth. Stupid cat. And yet, that is what cats do. They hunt.
Living on a farm gets you closer to your food, and closer to life and death in very real ways. I don’t think it makes anything easier when you lose someone you love, though. At least, I don’t imagine it would. Knowing that there is a circle of life, understanding it and not being saddened when you lose a duck or a chicken or a cow, that’s one thing. Losing a beloved grandparent, parent, sibling, friend….that’s a whole new ball game.
Oh, I agree with you wholeheartedly, J. So true.
What a great post, Christine! Well said and heart felt. 🙂
Thank you so much, Beth. Feels good to be writing from the heart.