The past few days, weeks, and months have been filled with excitement at the news of many (yes, many!) friends who are expecting babies in the upcoming months and early next year. I am SO thrilled for all my friends and cannot wait to go shopping for baby presents! With this, of course comes the burning questions of “So, when are you guys having number two?” and “Are you guys thinking of having more kids?”
Part of me would love to have another baby. I’d love to give Little One a sibling. Then there’s the sometimes not having patience for poor Little One as it is, and thinking of adding another child to the mixture? When I parent, I like to give 110% all the time and I hate the feeling of not being there fully or not doing more with Little One. I don’t like my child be babysat by TV or by electronic gadgets or game systems. I like to do outdoorsy things with her, do crafts together, go on ‘adventures’, play, read, and do things together.
I also think of the fact that if I have a baby soon, I’ll be forty years old when the baby is a toddler. Do I really want to be in my forties and running after a little one? I am having a rough time waking up once or twice in the middle of the night when Little One has nightmares or growing pains!
Then there’s the fact that A) Little One was a preemie and I had a high risk pregnancy, and B) I’m getting older. Oh, people remind me of that constantly. Just recently, someone told me “You will be thirty-seven years old in December. Now is the time to do it if you want another baby. Soon your eggs will be all dried up and all your chances will be gone. It will be too late for you.” Ummmm…Thanks.
I went through HELL with my pregnancy. What was supposed to be the happiest time of our life turned out to be the scariest time for us. We never knew from one day to the next if our baby was going to survive. I know with all pregnancies, there are concerns and worries, but when you already know the chances of not carrying to term may be your reality, then it’s even scarier. The roller coaster of emotions didn’t stop after she was delivered though. At 28 weeks gestation, though a baby that young can survive, many times it’s not without complications.
It makes me cry when I think of what we went through and how scary it was every day walking into the NICU and not knowing if Little One was having a good or bad day. I’m reminded of all of this every November. November is Preemie Awareness Month and November is when Little One catapulted herself into existence with no doctors in the room. SCARY!
Do I want another baby? I would love one. The truth is, I’m scared.